Opinion Line

A parody

• Back in my day we got real ecstasy. That stuff the kids eat today is nothing but laxative.

• Me and my boys is all in a skateboard gang and this here on-the-street arena parking is going to make our m*****-f*****g day, m*****-f***ers. Leave it unlocked and you don't got to break out the Benjamins for new m*****-f*****g windows, hear?

• I'm very sensitive to all the fumes and the odors, plus sunlight, moisture, and cold. So I suppose that without parking I just won't be enjoying all the events at that new arena. It's only for the unafflicted.

• Walk my ass.

• Whoop-de-do, Wichita. Whoop-de-do. And I ain't kidding this time.

• If Kathleen Sebelius can't straighten out her priorities then we need to straighten them out for her at the polls. A woman her age needs to be spending time on the family. She'd find that she prefers it, too.

• I'm doing life in Leavenworth for having chosen to express myself sexually over the objections of a diverse cross-section of society. Where was the ACLU?

• First things first. We need to loosen up these gun control laws before we start giving rights to homosexuals.

• I think we ought to have three sets of bathrooms in public places – men, women, and undecided. I'm sorry, but until the gays get segregated, I'm doing my number ones in a stall.

• To the Eagle carrier in the vehicle who brung all them newspapers and threw them in the various yards: You know who you are.

• My children will be safely zipped away in their prayer tents this Halloween, studying the scripture just as they do every year, while yours are out on the streets getting AIDS and worshipping the devil.

• My husband and I used to get dozens and dozens of trick-or-treaters. Now we're lucky to see three or four. I suspect that abortion has thinned the ranks.

• My eight-year-old daughter went over to the Planned Parenthood to show them her princess costume and they got her started on birth control pills.

• Wouldn't it be a wonderful lesson in tolerance if our white children were to dress up like minorities this Halloween? They could see the world through another's eyes.

• I'm grateful to our neighbors to the south in Mexico for having made so many wonderful contributions to our culture here in America – spicy foods, colorful traditions, lively music, and so much more. But let's remember that being a good neighbor also means knowing when it's time to go home.