Opinion Line

A parody

• I voted several times and yet the Democrats got in anyway. I smell a rat.

• Boy oh boy. I guess Christmas came early for the goddamn Taliban.

• You ladies haven't seen someone vote until you've seen me swing my chad. Better take a paper ballot unless you brought some tissue with you.

• I won't vote anymore. The spy robots that they use to track you look just like common houseflies. And just how do they get your address? They put down the jimmy dust to track you back home.

• Morrison sounds like a Jewish name to me.

• What next? Stem cell research? If old Tiller doesn't get the babies these government scientists will.

• I can't think of a better way to fund terrorism than raising the minimum wage. Your Taco Bell workers and school teachers and what have you are going to turn right around and spend that extra money on drugs.

• Mexico has a new president and yet I don't recall having seen that on the ballot where I vote in Riverside. Something's fishy here and it isn't the river.

• How do we know these bilingual telephone menus aren't just giving instructions to the Mexicans? It's a takeover.

• I sympathize with the Reverend Ted Haggard. There's a lot of these prostitutes packing a set of clubs down there nowadays. Here's a hint, men: heck for an Adam's apple.

• My grandmother uses crystal meth to soothe her arthritis. Where Haggard's concerned, we need to wait and see.

• I'm a firm believer in the death penalty, but since Reverend Haggard is a man of the cloth I wouldn't oppose a little leniency.

• Don't tell me we're going to build a museum for the blacks. Couldn't we set a day aside when they could use the regular one?

• Mark my words: With Sunday liquor sales, the highway from Kechi will be caked with the blood of the innocent each and every week. What have we done?